Are we sick of unicorns yet? The answer is obviously no. Unicorns are what keeps this crazy and overwhelming world magical and just about the only thing getting us through the day at the moment. Believing in something that poops rainbows and vomits glitter is just the type of hope we need in this world.
We’ve scoured the internet for the most ~unreal~ unicorn items so you don’t have to. And although the prevailing thought here is ‘how did this company actually make it off the ground?’, it pretty much just confirmed that magic is all around us. Get ready to open your pocketbooks (does anyone really call them ‘pocketbooks’ anymore?) and type in your credit card so you can score yourself some magic pony sh*t (literally and figuratively).
1. Handicorn Unicorn Hand Puppet
File this under ‘crap you don’t need,’ but if you’re choosing between a fidget spinner and a unicorn hand puppet, my money’s on the pony. Boredom never looked so fun with this entertaining toy for your thumbs and other digits. Get one for your friend, too, so you can have a unicorn thumb war or cover up your desperately-seeking-manicure nails.
Of course you can find this gem on UrbanOutfitters.com and for eight bucks it can be all yours!
2. Unicorn Snot Glitter Gel
What’s so great about unicorn boogers and mucus is that it’s all made of glitter and happy thoughts. Now you can relive your bad childlike habits like, you know, playing with snot, but with something much cooler and much more sanitary. It’s translucent in color once applied and has a very light pleasant scent like unicorn’s breath. Perfect when you want to channel your inner stripper but keep your clothes on.
Get it for $9.99 on Amazon.com and it’s on Prime so whaddup two-day shipping!
3. Polar Unicorn Kisses Seltzer Water
Rosé is so passé. And La Croix? I’m over it. Drink some liquid rainbows with this seltzer water (add vodka if it’s Saturday), which come in limited edition mythical mini-cans (8oz). Sold out in many stores, you better stock up on this fancy water (which, BTW, is calorie free and 100% natural). The flavor is just like licking a Unicorn’s forehead — with an essence of gummy bears, vanilla, bubble gum, cotton candy, and green apple Jolly Ranchers. Yum?
Snag a 6-pack on Amazon.com for $10.99.
4. White Unicorn Mask
We’re still trying to figure out how drunk you have to be to wear this. Or maybe you’re just that ~fun person~ everyone invites to the party because you’re down with wearing a latex Unicorn mask with an oddly realistic fur mane because you’re #DownForWhatever like that. We think this would be perfect for those days when you’re done adulting. Or when you want to freak out your sibling by popping out at them while they’re walking down the stairs. Whichever you choose.
It’s $30 on Fancy.com… so it’s up to you to decide if that’s worth it.
5. Inflatable Unicorn Horn For Cats
Want to own a piece of iconic history while still annoying your cat? The Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats was the first ever item Jeff Bezos decided to sell on Amazon as proof that Amazon *literally* sold everything. And while totally useless, we need this cat unicorn horn so bad. The box says “Cats Love It,” but we have a feeling we better wear oven mitts and long sleeves while trying to strap this thing to our favorite furry friends’ head.
Amazon.com sells it for $5.69.
6. Unicorn Pegasus Crystal Spiked Heelless Wedges
If you want to dress like a unicorn from head to toe with emphasis on the toe, then you need these unicorn wedges that are custom made to order. Bedazzle your feet with opalescent hues, a spiked unicorn horn toe, and mini unicorns dancing up the bottom of the wedge.
Finding something to wear with these shoes will be a breeze… We recommend skinny jeans, a flowy bohemian dress, or your birthday suit.
Etsy.com sells these for $269 so it’s definitely a commitment to the unicorn obsession to drop the cash on these shoes.
7. Hungover Unicorn Cellphone Case
We’ve all had those mornings when the memories from the night before are sitting like a ton of bricks in our stomachs. Hugging the toilet bowl is the most romantic thing we’ll do that day because the pillow, ibuprofen, and stale Wonder bread are all we got on the agenda. While your friends are all shaming you for the hot mess you are, this unicorn cell phone case will give you hope that tomorrow is another day. You’re not alone in your sickness and a unicorn throwing up rainbows is a metaphor for the positive, healthy life you could have when not making bad decisions.
Get it on Fancy.com for $15.99!
8. Elodie Unicorn Diffuser
Diffusing essential oils is, like unicorns, on-trend AF and what better way to stay looking cool than with a unicorn diffuser that blows aromatherapeutic air from the tip of its horn. As if that wasn’t magical enough, the unicorn lights up and changes color in every shade of the rainbow. You’ll be the envy of all your friends and possibly even your enemies, too, because who can resist the smell of lavender and rosemary and the charm of a chubby unicorn.
9. Uni-kitty Hoodie
Remember in fourth grade when you got beat up because you wore a turtleneck with cats all over it? Peel away those layers of self-doubt and insecurity with a bold hoodie featuring a majestic unicorn kitten. This time, people will actually think you look like a ‘Cool Girl’ in it — not a major dweeb. The front kangaroo pocket means you can warm your paws on those chilly nights. Remember, don’t listen to what the haters say. They are just upset they can’t rock a uni-kitty hoodie like you do.
From Fancy.com (clearly the place for Unicorn merch) priced at $64.99..
10. Bag of Unicorn Farts Cotton Candy
Okay, I’m sorry but what the f*ck?! I guess NOTHING is inappropriate when unicorns are involved, even bathroom humor. This bag of unicorn farts is not only delicious but for a good cause. Ten percent of the profits from each bag goes to charities that support children with neurodiversity. The company prides itself on using free-range unicorns with farts that are locally sourced and gluten-free.
BagofFarts.com sells these for $9.95 and the pure humor of going to a site called Bag of Farts is well worth the money.
11. Unicorn Tears Purse
Who cares about the new Gucci crossbody when you can accessorize your look with a Unicorn Tears purse. This glitter bag is shaped like a 7-11 Slurpee, zips at the lid and has enough room for your cell phone, lip gloss, wad of cash, and your vanilla body spray to keep it fresh at the club. It’s a total conversation piece that could score you some free drinks at the bar… or possibly just a few eye-rolls.
From Hashtag Flawless — $32.99 and it’s all yours..
12. Giant Inflatable Unicorn
Unicorn pool floaties are so last summer basic. Now it’s time to super size your obsession with a giant inflatable unicorn for all-seasonal use. No, this isn’t perverted by any means. If you’re just looking for a magical companion that will be quiet when you want an opinion of “how do I look in these jeans?” or “Isn’t Riverdale the best show ever made?”, this is definitely for you. The supermodel unicorn stands at six feet tall and features a rainbow tail, pink horn, and a fierce mascara job that makes us just enough jealous.
It’s priced at $65 from FireBox.
13. Unicorn & Horse Wedding Cake Topper
This is one of those WTF? products that actually just might be the perfect bridal shower gift. This wedding cake topper is the perfect way to express that you think your BFF is the beauty to his beast, the magic to his manure, and the majestic to his mediocre. JK (maybe) but it’s a good one. Don’t let him forget who wears the rainbows in the relationship.
From Amazon.com, spending $11.89 on a bridal gift is nothing.
14. Trudeau Magic V-Neck Tee
Dreams do come true. Not all National leaders are hot, but we can thank Canada, eh, for the eye candy that is Justin Trudeau. He’s the leader that makes us want to sing Drake songs all day long and drown everything in maple syrup while watching a game of hockey. Do all this while wearing this ~extra sexy~ tee of Trudeau wearing tight jeans, showing off his six pack and hugging a frickin’ unicorn. Is this real life or is this just fantasy? Who cares!? There is hope for the world as long as Trudeau’s bare chest and unicorns lead the way.
Buy it at Fancy.com for $30.
15. Unicorn Farts Lip Balm
Now before you say “ew!”, just remember that unicorns are made of rainbows and glitter so spreading a little unicorn flatulence on your lips is like spreading spearmint and cotton candy to get those puckers creamy and glistening. Unicorn Farts lip balm is made of natural beeswax, unrefined cocoa butter, shea butter, jojoba butter, sweet almond, grapeseed oil, flavored oils, and vitamin E. This lip balm is designed to melt on your lips and not in your jeans – TUFT! (Thank unicorns for that!)
Available at Long Winter Farm Soap Co. for $5.
16. Unicorn Meat
A magical source of protein! This canned “meat” from Radiant Farms is a delicious addition to any meal. But haha joke’s on us. Remove the bottom of the can to find a dismembered unicorn stuffed animal. Yeah, it’s a pretty sick joke, but life is not all sunshine and giggles. Life in the Enchanted Forest can be rough. One day you’re chewing on fairy dust leaves and the next you’re stuffed in a can on a shelf at a Shell gas station.
Find it at Think Geek for $9.99.
17. Unicorn Poop Soy Candle
Candles are the go-to housewarming gift for your bestie that just moved into her first apartment. And what better way to magically stench up her pad then with a unicorn poop candle. This candle pleasantly smells of citrus candy with essence of strawberries, oranges, grapefruit, melon, peaches, and kiwi. A sprinkle of sugar keeps it sweet, just like your bestie (most of the time).
Find this on Etsy.com for 18 bucks.
18. Unicorn on Board Sticker
Babies are so 2016. For when you want to tell those pesky tailgaters not to get too close to the magic, we’ve got these pretty lame bumper stickers. It’s a warning for those behind you that you’ll brake for sprinkle donut shops and jaywalking mermaids. You don’t have to have an actual unicorn in your car. You, my dear, are the unicorn. Just believe!
Don’t worry, glitter leaking from the exhaust pipe is totally normal.
Find it on Amazon for $5.99.
19. Unicorn Tears Gin Liquor
Nothing tastes better after a bad breakup than alcohol, and what better way to feel better than combining your two favorite things? This sparkly gin makes the perfect cocktail for that not-so-perfect heartbreak. Just swirl the bottle to see the magic and then consume, washing down all your hopes and dreams for that failed relaysh. You’ll taste citrus fruit, oranges, juniper berries, bunches of coriander, and sticks of licorice.
Give all your drinking money (AKA 52 big ones) to FireFox.com.